Its been about four months that I have been married. I feel sick and tired…sick of all the insecurities i am filled with, sick of crying for the vaguest of reasons and sick of making him feel so pathetic. He cooks for me  and cleans the apartment so that i can devote my time to studying, gives me a perfect neck massage to relieve me of the pain (a byproduct of endless hours of study) and watches me study while silently encouraging me to do well. He takes me shopping and buys me the most expensive stuffs while being very tightfisted when it comes to buying things for himself…eats the burnt food while giving me the nicer portion….he drives me around the city without an iota of sleep from the hectic duties and he never complains of having to do so….. never forgets to call me atleast 3-4 times a day no matter how busy his work is, never forgets to give me a good bye kiss no matter how late he gets.  I dont know if any other guy in this earth has tendered any other girl with so much love and care or if there has ever been a blatant exhibition of such affection.  And what do i give him in return? Words filled with spite and hatred and agony. I dont know what to do anymore. I could run away and let him live in peace but i know that is going to hurt him even more. I dont really know what options I have. It has always been my tendency to flee from difficult situations. I am but a loser. I could opt to be a better person and act more mature but… but …….and a big BUT. I get overwhelmed with perplexities, dwell on such negativism and make a superbly grandiose chaos of the most trivial of matters. And it makes me wonder if I can ever get rid of this robe that clings to my body so tight. I wonder if I can ever make him a happy person.

Ego is a strange thing and even more strange is the fact I have learnt to burst so easily into tears. To make things worse I make him tear too. Its a disgusting habit and its hurting me, its hurting him and its hurting the relationship…or so he says.  Well, what can I do? I am but a dumb bitch who cant seem to articulate or open up as well as he does. phew! i am tired of coming up with lame excuses too. There are so many things in my mind right now and i dont if this stupid blog page has space enough to accommodate everything. I think I should stop before I make a mess of everything.

I can see a new change coming over me though. Its taking over me very slowly. My priorities are suddenly changing and I hope its for the good. I just hope i dont mutate into something ghastly. I really don’t wanna hurt him. And I promise not to cry but then again promises are meant to be broken aren’t they?

But what can I do?

I am addicted to the speed

And I am definitely addicted to getting intoxicated. Gee!

I guess I will never learn to behave.

Lord, save my arse!

Docs, ICU/CCU, Om Hospital.  27th November 2006.

            To sum it all up, I have decided to give USMLE. USMLE is like the latest fad out here. Every second person I meet is preparing for it. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing or the wisest thing. But I guess you will never know what the right thing is, unless u give it a try. It might just as well turn out to be something like “somebody, unaware of what fire is, jumping into the fire just to experience what it feels like”. Ha ha Gee! Whatever that’s supposed to imply! Anyways I don’t give a fuck anymore what happens next.

Besides that…. hmm…right now, I am just disgusted looking at my body and the wealth of adipose tissue that I have amassed. Wish I could do something about it. But I am just a loser, who thinks, who can do a lot of stuff and actually lands up doing nothing. :/

P.J: Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. “I think not,” he says, and vanishes…

jaagey hai…soye nahi
aisi hai meri ye bechaini
din bhi wahi ..raatein wahi
sanso mein sansein hai nahi  

jaagey hai…soye nahi
aisi hai meri ye bechaini
din bhi wahi ..raatein wahi
sanso mein sansein hai nahi 

ab agar tum mile to
itna ye yakeen hai
hans denge hum to
rona nahi hai

http://www.bollyfm.net/temp/pakistanipop/atifaslam.php

Or wait….. I am not so sure about the presentable part either. What with my protruding yellowish monstrous teeth and my forever disheveled hair; my manly feet, thighs weighing about 10 kgs each and a walk befitting that of an elephant? “Presentable” definitely wouldn’t be the right word. Nevertheless, I have managed to boast of strings of boyfriends and I have had a number of guys swooning all over me. Pretty odd, aye?

“What in a woman makes a man tick?” Not that difficult a question as u will later see. Or even more mysterious would be “What makes a man commit to a certain single girl?” or a better yet “do they ever commit?” Oh you’ve got to be kidding me if u said something like “beautiful eyes” or “jet black tresses” or “snow white complexion”. Oh come on…this is not Shakespeare’s world and we are not leading lives of Romeo and Juliet. Time for some reality check!

Puru says he doesn’t approve of perfection and Aishwarya Rai isn’t the kind of a woman he would ever want. Oh! I could twist and turn that statement to connote a thousand different things but Puru isn’t my dupe for today and I would rather choose to leave him alone before he comes to murder me.

            The first time I became aware of my friends frequenting the whore house, I was aghast. No they weren’t guys with loose morals. They were men of principles. And being a man was their only plausible excuse. They needed such adventures for the survival. It was a necessity.

            Today I have come to accept the fact that lust, not love, makes the world go round. May be love and lust always meant the same thing and I had probably misconstrued the meaning. Oh I now know!!…. It is the large and pendulous bosom and a butt that protrudes like that of a Donald duck that keep the guys buzzing around the luring queen bee! And I happen to be the prototype.

            It’s a sick world. And I am the sickest of them all to be writing such trash. But it’s a fact and facts don’t go unnoticed. I don’t know whether I hate the male species or I am just disgusted with everything around. No, I am not a feminist and I love guys. If it weren’t for them, I would have had no friends at all. However, it does make me question the true nature of their intentions. Are they really genuine friends or do they seek something more? After all, I have never been really good at extending a hand of friendship.

            I know these statements are gonna raise some angry heads. Logic teaches that generalization cannot always be applied. Exceptions do exist and Dibe and Karki prolly belong to the category. I know you guys are both gays. Mwahahahaha…..I am just kidding bozos! Sorry..I had nothing better to do to kill time. :/